Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize