youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm at about main and main street
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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