New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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