please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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