So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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