I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
