i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
