New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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