The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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