i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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