there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
