Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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