he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
