oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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