he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
