Soap is not a condiment
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
