Don't make out with my wife yet
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's never too late to be topless.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
