our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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