made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize