your parents love me but you hate me
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
