I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
