i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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