Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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