She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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