New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
