In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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