Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
