Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
