A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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