You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
