There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
