I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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