shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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