My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
