Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
