Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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