Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
