I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
