Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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