Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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