My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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