I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
