is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
