my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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