I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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