Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
