I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
