I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
