apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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