We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize