Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Vodka?
Forever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
