she woke up with a sticky ear
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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