it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
