foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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