i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
