Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
