Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
